Family First Fridays Posts

I'm not saying you have to go get Nerf guns and shoot each other but find something that your family likes to do together and do it. It will bring your family closer together and create lasting memories. Plus, it's good for children to see their parents relax and have a little fun too. Make it a new years resolution to spend more time having fun together as a family.

When my husband’s Grandmother was in a car accident several years ago it left her unable to drive herself anymore. Because of this she was isolated from the world. She was no longer able to come and go as she pleased and she had to rely on others to take her places or run her errands.  The loss of a spouse can lead to isolation as well. Isolation for seniors can be debilitating. So, what can you do if you are an isolated senior citizen or if you have a loved one who is isolated? iGoHealthyseniors is a website created specifically for senior citizens. Here you can find some ideas to overcome isolation as well as information for living a happy and healthy life as a senior.  I’m happy to report that over the last year my husband’s Grandmother moved into a group home for retired seniors. Here she enjoys socializing with new friends and she doesn’t dwell on the things she can no longer do.

1.       Shock and Denial- Because death usually comes suddenly you will be shocked with the news. You might be saying to yourself “I can’t believe it”. Denying the loss will provide temporary relief from the pain.

2.       Pain and Guilt- When the initial shock wears off you will feel the pain of your loss. It’s okay to let yourself cry. Let it all out and feel it fully. Hiding it and holding it in will only prolong your recovery and your pain. It can lead to dangerous habits of drug and alcohol abuse too. During this stage you might also feel guilt over the things you didn’t do or things you did and wish you could change. Let it go. You can’t change the past; you can only look forward to the future.

3.       Anger- This emotion often brings us out of the pain and guilt phase.  It’s hard to feel anything else if you are angry. You may blame others or yourself for the death.

4.       Depression- as the anger settles you may realize how great a loss you have suffered.  This may lead to isolation.  You will remember all that you had together.  Although this is a normal stage of grief, if you find you or another loved one remain in this stage for a prolonged amount of time, you may need medical help to overcome the depression. How long someone remains in this stage varies. Use your best judgment.

5.       Reconciliation and hope- As you accept the loss you can slowly begin to gain balance in your life. Your depression will lift and you can begin to look to the future. You begin to make new plans. You realize you can move on and live and you do.

 Whenever I find myself struggling I just remind myself of something my mother used to tell me, “this too shall pass.”

Let's start with preventing a tantrum. If you have a child prone to tantrums, make sure to catch the child being good and comment on it to them. I haven't met a child yet who didn't like approval.

Choose your words wisely. Instead of saying "no" to a request try saying it like this; "Yes as soon as....." Fill in the blanks with what they need to do. "Yes you can have the candy after you eat something nutritious." More often than not, the word "no" illicits tantrums so avoid saying the word.

Toddler's desperately desire more independence so give your toddler control over some things by giving choices. Let them choose between two outfits or several meal choices. I have a child who occasionally doesn't want to go to bed at night so I give her the choice of hopping like a bunny or riding a horse to bed. She has the choice of how she gets there and I still get the end result of bedtime.

Hide tantrum triggers. If it is close to dinnertime and you know your child is going to ask for the cookies he sees and it is not an option, then make sure the cookies are out of sight. Out of sight out of mind right?

Choose your battles. Think about the request your child has made. Some things really aren't important. I have a child who has gone to school in the middle of winter in shorts and a t-shirt because I chose not to argue with her about what she was wearing. Guess what? I saved the energy from the argument and she learned on her own that it is not a good idea to wear shorts and t-shirts in the middle of winter.

Know your child's limits. Don't take your child to the grocery store when they are tired or hungry. That is just asking for a tantrum.

Those are just a few ideas to avoid the tantrum. Now here are some ways to handle the tantrum.

First and foremost, keep your cool. If you raise your voice and tense up you are just throwing fuel on the fire. Use calm words with your child. Some children can calm down just from the sound of your voice.

Try to understand where your child is coming from. Put yourself in their shoes and choose words that they can understand. Validate your child by saying things like "I know you are sad because you really wanted to play with that truck but John has it now." and then suggest another option.

Redirection and distraction are powerful tools. As in the example above, suggest something else that would be acceptable. While at the park you see an ice cream stand, redirect your play to another side of the park. At the grocery store I try and distract my children from the "I want..." by having them hold my grocery list and check off items as we add them to the cart.

Simply ignoring the tantrum can put an end to it. Children throw tantrums to get a desired result but if no one is listening then what is the point? If one of my children is throwing a tantrum I just calmly say "Let me know when you are ready to talk about it" and then I walk away. However, make sure that you do not leave your child completely alone because this can lead them to feel abandoned which can create a whole other set of problems. Send older children to their room until they can cool off instead of for a specified amount of time. This gives them the power to get control.

Give a great big, firm hug in the middle of or just after a tantrum. This reassures the child that you love them even when they behave badly. I've been doing this with my oldest lately. Sometimes she tries to push me away and other times she just absorbs the embrace and calms down.

Don't be afraid to use a little bribery. Bribery is best when it is done ahead of time and on your terms. Tell your child before that if they are good they will get to watch a movie when you get home.

Most importantly, be consistent! If your child knows exactly how you are going to respond then they are less likely to throw a tantrum.

These are just a few of my ideas. I want to know, what are your tantrum stories?

"Perhaps most significant of all classrooms is the classroom of the home. It is in the home that we form our attitudes, our deeply held beliefs. It is in the home that hope is fostered or destroyed. Our homes are the laboratories of our lives. What we do there determines the course of our lives when we leave home. Dr. Stuart E. Rosenberg wrote in his book The Road to Confidence, 'Despite all new inventions and modern designs, fads and fetishes, no one has yet invented, or will ever invent, a satisfying substitute for one's own family.' "

• Make a list of 10 things that your partner can do to show he/she loves you. Have your partner make a list too, of the things you can do for him/her. You will find that men and women feel loved in different ways. Men tend to feel love with physical expressions like a kiss, or embrace. Women tend to feel love by words like actually saying "I love you" and by actions like notes or a phone call.
• Share your lists with each other and discuss why you put what you put on your list.
• Make it a point everyday to pick at least one thing from your partner's list and fulfill it. Do not repeat the same thing more than once a week.

I promise you that as you do something every day for your spouse that shows them your love, you will receive the same and the romance in your life will increase. I have experienced it in my own relationship as well as seen it in those around me.

What are some of the ways you and your partner keep the romance alive?